“Too many guys think I’m a concept, or I complete them, or I’m gonna make them alive. But I’m just a fucked-up girl who’s looking for my own peace of mind; don’t assign me yours.”—Clementine from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (via ourinfiniteabyss)
“Our need for worth is so powerful that whatever we base our identity and value on we essentially ‘deify.’ We will look to it with all the passion and intensity of worship and devotion, even if we think ourselves as highly irreligious. ”— Timothy Keller (via thesearepeopleyouknow)
There is a lot I have been wanting to say to you for quite sometime now and frankly my own cowardice has prevented it. I am much better and communicating when I write, so here is a letter I have many drafts of on topics that have become reoccurring themes in my journals in regards to feelings I wish I didn’t have.
I wasn’t expecting you to happen. I broke my rules and created numerous exceptions for you and I know it’s nothing you ever asked for but I never asked for you. Now I am here feeling wretched no matter what direction I tell my self I’m going. I kept telling my self that we don’t have much in common and I am Portland bound anyhow so I attempted to keep you at a distance. Three weeks is the usual stint for boys that somewhat peak my interest. I am use to them fading in and out that way I don’t get hurt. In October when you started catching my attention I thought you’d be like all the rest. I wasn’t ready to actually “like” anyone because I was still so hurt from Alex. I was a big fan of catching your admiring glances from time to time, but never considered it becoming more than that. Then with inhibitions thrown to the wind via four locos we lost our clothes and broke all my rules.
You had me absolutely terrified that night, I liked being held by you, being called babe, being kissed on the head in the morning and that wasn’t safe. This caused me to act of of character for self preservation and I am ashamed.
On top of the amazing sex, I admire you and enjoy your company. The more and more I tried to keep you at a safe distance the more I fell for you.
I’m not sure how you perceive all of this, but at some point our highly enjoyable arrangement took a very unsettling turn. I started feeling used by you. I notice a difference in how you treated me which prompted a slew of insecurities and a strong desire to have things back to the way they were. I am so use to paying for things and taking care of the people I care about I naturally took that role in or relationship. Which contributed to me feeling used even more. This is very frustrating to me because I know you’re far away from your friends and family so I want you to feel cared about here. I guess because I would want someone to feel like home for me if I ever left Vegas. I feel dumb wanting to do all these sweet things for you, a lot of the time I hold back.
When you said the other night, “you know it will never work out.” I was really hurt because I have been telling myself that and kept coming to the realization that apparently I want it to. You said it was because I am going to Portland and I really wish that was the case, that way I didn’t have to face the fact that it’s because you don’t think I’m worth it. You topped it off with another cliche punch to the gut, “I just don’t want to hold you back” truthfully you have been the reason I have rejected four other guys, not just some douche bags that hit on me when I go out. It’s awful because I always would rather be with you. Now I am forcing my self to talk to someone else and
It’s just making the fact that I want you even more prevalent.
I know most of this is my fault I have been a shitty indecisive coward. I am over having people shuffle in and out of my life being cold and un affected. It takes a lot for me to say this, I am scared and so sick of holding back. I am much better than the unofficial at your convenience girl. At one point in time I felt you thought so too. Should I just the take hint? Chalk it up as another one of those times I was wrong?
“Some people turn sad awfully young. No special reason, it seems, but they seem almost to be born that way. They bruise easier, tire faster, cry quicker, remember longer and, as I say, get sadder younger than anyone else in the world. I know, for I’m one of them.”—Ray Bradbury (via thechocolatebrigade)
“There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.”—Chuck Klosterman (via mayfourth)